Project Positivity: Part 1. Ahem.

I am not a very positive person.
I was not a very positive person.
I also am not a very happy person.

Now in the midst of my [post] quater-life crisis, with an unfinished Masters degree looming over my head, and a job that's not really what I want to do with my life (but at times is quite rewarding, even if time-consuming and underpaying), and wanting to make a difference in some way, and doubting my own abilities and/or expertise, and dealing with the fear to be myself, it can be very hard to be happy.

I spend lots of time looking at other people and what they're accomplishing, and questioning why I can't get out there and do the same things.

Well -- in late July, after a semi-meltdown (which included calling it off with my boyfriend - for a moment, failing miserably at this healthy eating challenge by being unprepared, and just feeling overwhelmed by life) I took a break from social media.  And I picked up Everyday a Friday by Joel Osteen.

It was refreshing to not have to check in to Twitter or my drama-filled Facebook Groups. (I still don't check in as much as I used to)  It was nice to have that quiet.  To wake up and pull up some positive reading and do some light movement, instead of reading feeds (and getting sidetracked for 30 minutes at a time) was awesome.  I know I became a bit more productive!  And the book was really good.  I read it slowly, a chapter or two per day.

Now it's nothing I didn't know in the book -- it's all about choosing happiness and positivity (and planting seeds of encouragement and positivity in others) -- but it was a timely reminder that happiness is a choice.  Not just saying "I'm up and I'm going to be happy" but learning that you can't change what happens to you, but you can choose how you react.  And a lot of times, the negative reactions cost.  A lot.  In your own personal happiness. It causes YOU discomfort and makes you question yourself, when really you could have chosen to take the situation down another road.

In essense, I embarked on Project Positivity!  -- A conscious effort to find what makes me feel good and how I could spread feel-goodness around.  A way to re-learn thinking about myself and others.  Maybe it'll lead me to what I want to do in life.  Or what I'm called to do in life.

But for now, here's what I've learned and want to continue:

• Eating good whole food, but not stressing over it (Diet mentality is hard to break) makes life better
• Sunshine.  I need it.  To move in the sunshine - I need it. (Morning walk/jogs are everything)
• Planning ahead, even a little bit is helpful.
• Saying no is ok.  Really.  I won't be able to please everyone.
• Writing is needed.  I don't do it nearly enough.
• Quiet time (meditation or prayer or just silence) I don't do this nearly enough, but when I do it's awesome.

So yeah: Project Positivity! 
What are your positive steps?

From an old assignment.

I wrote this as an "autobiography" for an assignment a few years back.   

I still feel this way  for the most part. 

“Life is a journey, not a destination.

There are no mistakes, just chances we’ve taken. 

 Lay down your regrets because all we have is now. . . “

First off, I don’t think my life is terribly interesting.  I also don’t know of one self to talk about. There is only one thing in my life that I regret, and I’m not going to tell you about it here.  Well, I will let you know that it has to do with groupthink and being caught up in a moment.  Never. Again.  

But, besides that regret, I don’t regret anything I’ve done in my life.  I’ve done good things, not-so-good things, and some very stupid and unsafe things, and I don’t regret any of them.  They’ve all been learning experiences to grow from, and without them, my story wouldn’t be my story. 

I have friends who want to be thin, I have friends who want amazing families, I have friends who want to be super successful or filthy rich, and I really don’t want any of those.  My obsession is to learn how to be happy with myself and how I can live the healthiest, happiest, most fulfilling life I can live for myself.  See, I am a people pleaser, and it is easy to want to live in a way that will get the most approval from other people, and that includes, for someone like me, becoming thin, having a family, and being “successful” which basically amounts to having a nine to five with little time for vacations but living in a big-ish house in a suburban area.  I don’t really want that.  And sometimes I am a bit embarrassed by it, because all the other women my age are striving for that hardcore.  Well, at least the women I know and/or grew up with.  I tend to feel that so many people are making themselves unhappy striving for happiness.  

Like I stated before, I just want to live my best life.  I want to have juicy stories when I get old.  I want to have memories of silly adventures and tons of things I can look back and smile on.  And not just things that included other people, like finding the love of my life, or the day I married him, or my wonderful kids or something.  I’m not saying I don’t want that, I am just saying I want my own accomplishments. 

When I turned 23, I decided that my life was not going to be the way it had been.  I feel that although I was doing things, more things were happening to me, and I was not doing enough.  I didn’t want to sit around and just let stuff happen.  I wanted to make things happen for myself as well.  That was really when my life started changing.  First, I figured I may as well appreciate myself and treat myself right.  That meant not beating up on myself for not being thin or conventionally pretty.  It meant trying new things, and taking steps to be a person the me I was could be happy with in the future.   In the following years I:  Learned bellydance, taught myself crochet, went out on dates, cut my hair, flirted, took silly pictures and posted them on facebook,  learned to cook, made a dress.  

I think a lot. I talk a lot.  I also do a lot.  One of my biggest pet peeves are people who talk and never do.  It’s scary to take a risk, but either you succeed or you fail.  I surprise people because I tend to do.  When I was in second grade I was in the school talent show.  It surprised everyone that I actually sang a song a cappella while all the other students lip-synced to their favorite ditties.  I stood on that stage by myself and sang “Some of My Best Friends are Notes” in a white outfit, hand painted with music notes by my mom’s crafty friend.  

“Life is a challenge, not a competition;

You can still smell the roses and be on a mission.

Just take a moment, get in touch with your heart. . .”

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I find that terribly problematic.  The thing is, I never feel as if I’m prepared enough to do anything regarding a career.  I graduated college and I felt like I knew a few things about theatre, but not enough.  Like I didn’t spend enough time doing anything, though I’d costumed and directed shows.  I still felt like I couldn’t do anything.  I am afraid that life will be like that when I graduate again, but I’m a bit more willing to throw myself out there and see.  I doubt most people are ready for their careers after graduation.  It’s all a learning process. 

The other reason I have no idea about what I want to be when I grow up, is because when I’m in school, a class will introduce me to something new, and I think Hey!  I want to do that, too, now.  It’s awful.   But really, I know that if I can do anything in the theatre, I’d be happy.  Or event planning.   Event planning and theatre are really close to me.  It’s always a rush to get some amazing piece of art up that will only be there for a while, and then you have to take it down, and do it again with a new play or theme or something.  I like that, always creating, always moving. 

I know one thing; I do not want to work in a school bookstore for longer than I have to.  I sometimes dislike it so much.  It’s amazing how un-smart people in college can be at time.  I leave that job everyday and thank God that I have a job and then remind myself why I go to school and work hard.  So I don’t have to be somewhere where everything is cyclical and repetitive and redundant.  I don’t want to be one of those people who take things so seriously, as some of the people do there.  

“I wonder how life will surprise me today. . . “

I love fashion.  It’s hard to love fashion and be fat, because most designers/stores think you don’t deserve to be fashionable when you’re larger.  Out of all the reasons I’d ever want to lose weight, to have more selection in clothes would be one of the biggest reasons.  That’s sad because most people think it should probably be because of health reasons or something.  But I can be healthy almost at any size if I work at it.   A big girl has to be creative when dressing.  One of my long term goals is to create a plus size clothing line that is really fashionable, not just a regurgitation of stupid fashion rules for fat people, or something made to make us look ridiculous.  I have no idea how or when I will do that, but I really want to.  

My life’s not really that exciting.  I sometimes look around and wish I had a bit of drama to stir it up a bit.  I could use more friends.  I could go out more.  I could be a bit more outgoing. There are big lulls sometimes, where I begin to sit and feel sorry for myself for silly reasons.  I think I’m pretty boring.  That’s one thing I’d like to change, to be more exciting.  Hopefully as I age, I’ll have more stories of excitement to tell.  Right now, I’m just living in the moment, trying to be healthy, happy and fulfilled. 

*Lyrics from “A Beautiful Day” India.Arie

get up, get out, & do something OR how not to be a clod OR becoming a FORCE

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.  - George Bernard Shaw 

The reason why I created my personal growth challenge, besides trying to rekindle all of the things that inspired me before, was to stop complaining.  Or at least get to the root of my complaining.

I'll admit:  I am not always happy with where I am in life right now.  But I was finding that my unhappiness was becoming a constant stream of complaints -- everything was going wrong.  An worse than that, I wasn't doing anything to help move me from this state of dissatisfaction. So yeah,  I am was one of those.

Here's the problem with complaining -- the more you do it the worse things become and the worse things become, the more you do it.  Frankly, you get STUCK.  You can't do anything to move forward because you know that whatever you do won't work  - you don't have time; you don't have the drive;you don't have the will anymore OR you don't have the funds; you don't have the support; you don't have the LUCK that someone else has/had.  Or you replace the don't's with if's.

Either way, stuff starts happening TO you instead of YOU making things happen.  You feel like it's you against the world, the universe, God.

So, as I was reading the Purpose-Driven Life earlier this year, and came across the above quote --- I was pretty much was called out by Mr. Shaw.  I realized that at that point, I had, indeed, become a "feverish, selfish, little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world would not devote itself to making [me] happy."

Nothing was really my fault:  I could do this but I don't have [time/money/resources].  I was constantly being acted upon, I was not acting.  I was not a force of nature.

Truth be told, I still am not a "force of nature." I haven't moved anything yet.  I'm pushing a bit more than I have. I've  I am still trying to figure out the purpose that I'm working toward that I will see as a mighty one.   Clearly, that's why I'm blogging here, getting back in touch with my life and needs and passions.   I don't have answers.  Just working through the questions one sentence at a time.

I know one thing, though-- being called a feverish, selfish clod?  I ain't here for it.  Being a FORCE, however?  I dig it.

What about you?
Do you feel like a "force of nature?"  What are you doing to become a force?  Have you figured your purpose?

dream big?

This picture makes me sad.  Poor little rhino doesn't realize
unicorns are mythical creatures.  

I walked in on the last (very last) few minutes of Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss Edition.   I tend to stay away from weight loss porn for various reasons (the why may be discussed in a future post.)

So back to the story,  I walked in on the tail-end of the weight-loss show.  I'm sure there were tears and frustration and lots of inspiration before she was able to reveal herself to a "concerned" body of family and friends.  That's not what prompted me to write this.  What prompted me was when she proceeded to talk about her pride in accomplishing such a feat and that her "dreams had come true."

Weight loss is hard. Fitness isn't easy. I am not dismissing that and I feel that it totally natural to be proud of changing eating habits, or pushing through a particularly challenging workout, or fitting clothes you couldn't before.  (There's more on that as well, but that's not it either).

My issue is that ultimately her "dreams had come true." Dreams.  Plural. 

I already find it problematic to have one dream of being thin(ner), but that's the nature of the society we live in.  But if all your dreams revolve around weight loss, I'm just. . . worried.  

When I was a kid, I dreamt of many things.  I wanted to be a business woman like in Big Business, I dreamt of having a family, I dreamt of being asked out on dates . . .  And really, none of those things depend on size.   And it made me sad that apparently she thinks that it's all going to be rosey because she's smaller.    And most, if not all, of us have been sold on that "dream" - That everything will begin to work because we've reached some goal weight or size.  Life will inherently be better because we've left some fat behind. 

I mean people might be nicer.  Maybe.  

You may get hit on more. Maybe. 

But being thinner won't free up my money cuz I'll still have student loans; it won't make me a better artist if I don't practice; it won't bring me success unless I work at my dreams. 

We put so much faith in our bodies and how they look.  We put so much faith in becoming "aesthetically pleasing" to a certain population.  We put so much faith in creating a before and after picture so we can be praised. 

 It's time we put some faith in ourselves.  It's ok to dream big. 

do something you've never done: june personal growth challenge

I've been stuck.  

In a rut.  

I'm still there, I'm sure. 

However, I don't want to stay here.  I don't want to be here. 

See, I've been having a hard time finding my passion, latching on to my happiness.  At one point, I think I'd forgotten my dreams.   

After numerous conversations, lots of introspection and a multitude of tears, I have decided to jump back in to those things that made me happy - 

1. Blogging

2. Theatre

3. Fashion

4. Size Acceptance

5. Yoga

Obviously, I'm beginning with blogging.  I'll be documenting my progress here - sharing successes and failures.   I'm excited and scared.  However, one thing I know - to get something different, one must DO something different.  I've got to move.

I want to be able to say I love my life.  I haven't been able to say that in a while.   So here's where I do something.  Here's where I move forward. 

Let's go.  

homecoming.

Argh!

I've been having a hard time figuring out my home, per se, online.  I have this blog (which has been terribly neglected), and then my other one (which I thought was going to be my foray into lifestyle blogging.)  Unfortunately I've just been crazy mixed up over the two.

I am not going to get into a long story here, but I'll say --- I think . . . and i drink cups of tea is where I should be.  Where I should stay.

As I keep saying each time I return, I don't know what shape this blog will take, or if it will even have a defined form ever. I just know that I have a lot on my mind, a lot to work through, and a lot I want to share.  And that's good, right?

So, yeah. I'm back.  For real this time. Look for posts from the queen of her now late-twenties crisis.  It's going to be a fun ride!

Woot!

- a.renae

Also you can follow me on twitter  and instagram at @loventea!

I need your help!

I'm directing a production of the Vagina Monologues and the proceeds benefit the Stanford Houses Women's Shelter/ Safe Health and Wellness Transitional Housing.  I want to fill up the auditorium.  I also want to make sure that we've done our part to help end violence against women.

If you're in the area, consider buying a ticket and seeing the show.  It's going to be great!  If not, consider donating to the cause.  You can do both here.

Thank you!

in memoriam. (link)

I know I've still not blogged in a while. I'm still figuring which direction I'm taking and I'm also in the midst of moving back to Detroit! However, I read this piece on LadyQSings that really touched me.

I've written about my dad here before. He died when I was six so I never really got to know him very well. I didn't grow up with him around, but I knew that if he were still alive he'd be there with me. About him/us, she writes:

You were a SILENT WARRIOR, and far as I'm concerned that's the best kind to have on your team. I look at your daughters today, and I see pieces of you. I see parts of you that they'll never know. And that makes me sad.

Read more about him, and two other people who have also helped mold me into who I am (yes, the blogger is my cousin and knows most of my life.) Link below.

In Memoriam

what i've done so far.

I guess I am not ready to give up . . . and i drink cups of tea just yet, so i gave it a make over to make it feel cleaner. There are a few more things I want to tweak, but right now I am happy with how it's turned out. More to come, for sure.

moving on.

I am thinking of scrapping this blog and starting over. I don't know if . . . and i drink cups of tea is me anymore. I had a lot of fun with this blog, and I will probably leave this here for archival purposes, but look out for a revamp or something new from me soon.

Lots of love,
a.renae

i watched my first superbowl game.

It was an experience.

Also, this was the best commercial of the night:

And that's how you represent my city! I got a little misty-eyed.

guys.

I've been having trouble coming up with posts for this blog because:

one.

All I can think about is how fierce I am right now and how I want to go shopping still.

two.

I'm always exhausted when I get home. Two jobs (that involve standing for HOURS) plus school plus homework plus rehearsal plus extra life stuff is tiring.

three.

I always have these great topics to talk about but once I type them they sound dumb. Or people tweet, blog, say things that I probably shouldn't try to comment on here on this blog. Yet.

four.

Tumblr (link sometimes NSFW) is taking up my time.

five.

I don't want to bore you with body acceptance/ fat acceptance/ heavy society junk talk on the daily.

six.

Just love this number.

By the way, I have three pending posts and I'm just tweaking them. Also I plan to post more pics.

a boring recap of my life in recent times.

The past few weeks have been extremely hectic, but good at the same time. I have yet to take down my Christmas tree. Do not judge.

one:

I left one of my jobs and got a new one, so for two weeks I worked three jobs. Plus school. Plus sorority. Plus rehearsal.

two.

Speaking of rehearsal, I am doing Vagina Monologues in February! It's exciting, though there are some things a bit unnerving that I couldn't put my finger on until reading another woman-of-color's blog post about being in the Monologues. So many thoughts on race and empowe

rment and feminism running through my mind right now.

three.

I got a sew-in. A weave. Extensions. Whatever you want to call it, I got it. It's extra long and I feel really DIVA in it. The thing is, this is my first one, and I wassuper nervous about it. I'm not that kind of girl. I kept my hair the same most from middle school until I graduated college (with the exception of braids here and there.) The past year has brought some changes. I cut it last October or November, got kinky twists and stopped relaxing in July and now I have a weave. Super long. I love it. I think I might blog about my thoughts on hair another time. It's full of politics, and morals and feelings and stereotypes for Black women, at least.

four.

I've been eating crazy. And not that I want to diet (another post), but I do feel a lot better when I'm feeding myself things that aren't processed too much, full of salt or something like that. With that, I finally bought a few groceries. Because eating out these past weeks has been expensive and kind of icky feeling, even when I wasn't (which was most times) choosing fast food.

five.

I took an out-of-towner on a Detroit adventure. Finally. Love.

six.

Speaking of adventures, I got a new camera, but I fail at taking pictures while I'm out. I want to post more pics on this blog, so I need to get to it.

why i blog.

Blogging, for me, is an exercise in exhibitionism. I get to show off my brains. I can let my thoughts hang all out for people who want them, or even those who are simply passing through. I don't have to cover up or censor, and it makes me feel good to know that people are looking, reading, and maybe even thinking.

I want people to know what's in my head. I love that people can get that chance. I blog because I like to, not because I want to get a lot of readers or I want to use this to move up in the ranks of my profession or whatever. I just like to blog. I like writing. It's a release. It's a way to ask questions and find personal truths. It's where I can work out my feelings on this and that, and if someone is feeling brave enough to comment, I can also get and outside perspective, or validation, or just an Amen.

That brings me to this:

I'd love to categorize this blog as a fashion blog, or lifestyle blog, or relationship blog, or a music and culture blog, or an activism blog. But it's all of those and it's none of those. It's about my personal growth. And if I have readers who grow alongside me, fine. And if I have ZERO readers, fine.

Welcome back to

. . . and i drink cups of tea.

i drink cups of tea is coming BACK!

Guess who is coming back?
Me! With a revamp and everything.
Just let me finish this semester. . .

IRL || ranty mcrant-rant on online dating.

Whenever the topic of dating and/or relationships comes up, there's this hidden thing about using online dating sites -- that there's something inherently wrong with doing it. I've sat in on conversations where friends (those who are usually in relationships or something close to it) tell other friends to STOP considering even making a profile on one of these dating sites. I guess people look at it as a sign of desperation or failure or something like that.

I'll let you in on a secret: I've made profiles and/or talked to and even gone out with people from online dating sites. I want to date and if my circles don't include men (which often times they don't), and none of my friends can or want to introduce me to their male friends, and when I go out I'm only talked to to let guys know who my friend is, or I'm just not the type of woman the people I meet even care to ask out, WHERE THE HELL DO I FIND A DATE?

I don't think it's desperation or a bad look. I don't beg men in real life to date me, nor do I beg people online to. Most people get ignored, laughed at, or put in their place and guys still have to meet my criteria or a date is a no-go. Hell, an email address is a no-go.

I've known people who have met dates and even life partners from FACEBOOK, so how is online dating so different?

Anyway, that's my opinion. Judge all you want. Comment if you'd like.

LIFE || little brown girls: [y]our hair is beautiful. it's GOOD.

I am posting this everywhere, so if you've seen it other places from me. . . well, I don't apologize. This video made me smile:

I spent my whole life watching TV where the little brown girls (daughters) had to have long curls or straight hair (they were also usually very, very light-skinned no matter what the parents or brothers looked like). I like that the puppet's main look is a tightly coiled mop that doesn't blow in the wind. Now that I'm starting to discover my hair all over again, it's really speaking to me as well.

FLASHBACK || a time to shine.

As I said in a previous post, I'd been reading through my old blog I kept on Xanga and that I'd share some posts (via FLASHBACKs) that I wrote over there. These are a bit more personal than what's been on . . . and i drink cups of tea lately. Even though I'm in a totally different place than I was when I wrote these posts two or three years ago, some of the feelings I still have and/or struggle with. Like this one:

every woman has the right to feel beautiful.

i used to think that every girl would have a time to shine. the right to be adored, fawned over, cherished, and courted.
i still try to hold out for that: my time to shine.
but every day for twenty-two years i wake up: still with a sparkle in my eye, a glimmer in my mind, and a glint in my soul -- but never shining. i wake up matte. the same as the day before and the day before that.

and what hurts most are my loved ones who are waiting to shine as well. who have thier light stolen or stuck in the shadows or someone else's glimmer is just that bit brighter. and they hurt. for they genuinely want a light shined on them, while others were able to be born into the limelight.

i want to shine. i wait (im)patiently for the day when i will be the girl in the room who shines. the unconventional, unsafe, sometimes unaccepted one, lost in the shadows. i will come out and shine. as myself. no one else.

sometimes i don't believe it. and waking up everyday is harder and harder to do. i want something, no, i feel i need something--that flicker, that gleam.

Still haven't really gotten that spotlight, may never have it. I'll probably not be the girl juggling three suitors and avoiding three more. I am a lot more content with the fact that I'm not outrageously gorgeous and I don't have that aura that just draws men to me like moths to light. I can't say that, sometimes, it's not discouraging to look in the mirror and see one thing that never really gets seen beyond that. But, I'm learning to be happy with myself. I'm also learning how to get beyond my extreme shyness. And whether or not having self-confidence brings more flirty-times/dates/phone number/ phone calls, I'm liking this feeling of liking myself.

But then there's still a tiny part of me that would like to be "That Girl." Even for a short time. But it's tiny.

MUSIC || mouthwash lyrics.

If you ever wondered where the title for . . . and i drink cups of tea came from, I present you with the lyrics of "Mouthwash" by Kate Nash.

this is my face

covered in freckles
with the occasional spot
and some veins

this is my body
covered in skinand not all of it
you can see

and, this is my mind
it goes over and over
the same old lines

and, this is my brainits torturous, analytical thoughts
make me go insane

and i use mouthwash
sometimes i floss
i got a family
and i drink cups of tea
i've got nostalgic pavements
i've got familiar faces
i've got mixed-up memories
and I've got favourite places

and i'm singing oh oh on a friday night
and i hope everything's gonna be alright

this is my face
i've got a thousand opinions
and half the time i'm trying to explain

and, this is my body
and no matter how you try and disable it
yes i'll still be here

and, this is my mind
and although you try to infringe
you cannot confine
and, this is my brain
and even if you try and hold me back
there's nothing that you can gain

'cause i use mouthwash
sometimes i floss
i've got a family
and i drink cups of tea
i've got nostalgic pavements
i've got familiar faces
i've got mixed-up memories
and i've got favourite places
and i'm singing oh oh on a friday nightand i hope everything's gonna be alright

I don't remember when I first heard Kate Nash

but I think it may have something to do with a AIM or GChat status of a friend that r

ead "I can watch a sunset on my own." That line, from "Merry Happy" always stuck with me and for some reason, made me take a different look at my singleness. And I think that's what started me on my way to be the Kate Nash fan I am today. (That lyric also is what i bring back to memory when I'm feeling extra, stupid, sad about being single) In her music, she's outspoken, sassy, brassy, and sometimes crass. She makes mistakes, tells the truth, and isn't afraid of explaining herself even when it may

not be so. . . pretty (See "Birds).

But "Mouthwash" is all me, minus the freckles. It's kind of, take me or leave me, just don't try to change me. I am/do lots of things, and I drink cups of tea. Thanks for reading.

UPDATE || the past is also a present.

I took the time to read posts from one of my old blogs (does anybody remember Xanga?) and it's amazing to see how much of changed. It's also interesting to see how much has not changed. When I looked at the blog, I really enjoyed the style in which it was written: candid, a bit poetic, and straight from the heart. I guess I didn't think about what I was writing the way I do now. I feel like this blogging is a bit more deliberate or calculated as opposed to the blog posts of my younger self.

One thing I'm thinking about doing is sharing some of those older posts here at . . . and i drink cups of tea. I think that will lend me a bit of inspiration and allow you to see a bit of me a little bit more.

Finally, I think I'm going to start back with my list-making. It's a good way to cover a bunch of topics or feelings or just update what's happening in my life in a short period. If you're reading this, let me know what you think.

Oh, and the above picture is of me in kinky twist. LOVE them.