Sunday, August 22, 2010

FLASHBACK || a time to shine.

As I said in a previous post, I'd been reading through my old blog I kept on Xanga and that I'd share some posts (via FLASHBACKs) that I wrote over there. These are a bit more personal than what's been on . . . and i drink cups of tea lately. Even though I'm in a totally different place than I was when I wrote these posts two or three years ago, some of the feelings I still have and/or struggle with. Like this one:

every woman has the right to feel beautiful.

i used to think that every girl would have a time to shine. the right to be adored, fawned over, cherished, and courted.
i still try to hold out for that: my time to shine.
but every day for twenty-two years i wake up: still with a sparkle in my eye, a glimmer in my mind, and a glint in my soul -- but never shining. i wake up matte. the same as the day before and the day before that.

and what hurts most are my loved ones who are waiting to shine as well. who have thier light stolen or stuck in the shadows or someone else's glimmer is just that bit brighter. and they hurt. for they genuinely want a light shined on them, while others were able to be born into the limelight.

i want to shine. i wait (im)patiently for the day when i will be the girl in the room who shines. the unconventional, unsafe, sometimes unaccepted one, lost in the shadows. i will come out and shine. as myself. no one else.

sometimes i don't believe it. and waking up everyday is harder and harder to do. i want something, no, i feel i need something--that flicker, that gleam.

Still haven't really gotten that spotlight, may never have it. I'll probably not be the girl juggling three suitors and avoiding three more. I am a lot more content with the fact that I'm not outrageously gorgeous and I don't have that aura that just draws men to me like moths to light. I can't say that, sometimes, it's not discouraging to look in the mirror and see one thing that never really gets seen beyond that. But, I'm learning to be happy with myself. I'm also learning how to get beyond my extreme shyness. And whether or not having self-confidence brings more flirty-times/dates/phone number/ phone calls, I'm liking this feeling of liking myself.

But then there's still a tiny part of me that would like to be "That Girl." Even for a short time. But it's tiny.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

MUSIC || mouthwash lyrics.

If you ever wondered where the title for . . . and i drink cups of tea came from, I present you with the lyrics of "Mouthwash" by Kate Nash.

this is my face
covered in freckles
with the occasional spot
and some veins

this is my body
covered in skinand not all of it
you can see

and, this is my mind
it goes over and over
the same old lines

and, this is my brainits torturous, analytical thoughts
make me go insane

and i use mouthwash
sometimes i floss
i got a family
and i drink cups of tea
i've got nostalgic pavements
i've got familiar faces
i've got mixed-up memories
and I've got favourite places

and i'm singing oh oh on a friday night
and i hope everything's gonna be alright

this is my face
i've got a thousand opinions
and half the time i'm trying to explain

and, this is my body
and no matter how you try and disable it
yes i'll still be here

and, this is my mind
and although you try to infringe
you cannot confine
and, this is my brain
and even if you try and hold me back
there's nothing that you can gain

'cause i use mouthwash
sometimes i floss
i've got a family
and i drink cups of tea
i've got nostalgic pavements
i've got familiar faces
i've got mixed-up memories
and i've got favourite places
and i'm singing oh oh on a friday nightand i hope everything's gonna be alright

I don't remember when I first heard Kate Nash
but I think it may have something to do with a AIM or GChat status of a friend that r
ead "I can watch a sunset on my own." That line, from "Merry Happy" always stuck with me and for some reason, made me take a different look at my singleness. And I think that's what started me on my way to be the Kate Nash fan I am today. (That lyric also is what i bring back to memory when I'm feeling extra, stupid, sad about being single) In her music, she's outspoken, sassy, brassy, and sometimes crass. She makes mistakes, tells the truth, and isn't afraid of explaining herself even when it may
not be so. . . pretty (See "Birds).
But "Mouthwash" is all me, minus the freckles. It's kind of, take me or leave me, just don't try to change me. I am/do lots of things, and I drink cups of tea. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

UPDATE || the past is also a present.

I took the time to read posts from one of my old blogs (does anybody remember Xanga?) and it's amazing to see how much of changed. It's also interesting to see how much has not changed. When I looked at the blog, I really enjoyed the style in which it was written: candid, a bit poetic, and straight from the heart. I guess I didn't think about what I was writing the way I do now. I feel like this blogging is a bit more deliberate or calculated as opposed to the blog posts of my younger self.

One thing I'm thinking about doing is sharing some of those older posts here at . . . and i drink cups of tea. I think that will lend me a bit of inspiration and allow you to see a bit of me a little bit more.

Finally, I think I'm going to start back with my list-making. It's a good way to cover a bunch of topics or feelings or just update what's happening in my life in a short period. If you're reading this, let me know what you think.

Oh, and the above picture is of me in kinky twist. LOVE them.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

ART || words of/from an artist.

Hey! I'm back.

Please forgive the excessive gushing that follows, but I can't help it:

I think that Kanye West is probably my most favorite artist. Ever. But I never know how to start a blog post about my musical journey with Mr. West. And I don't know if I ever will be able to write about it here. Just know that Kanye West's music has had a huge impact on me. He's arrogant, flashy, stylish, funny, arrogant (again) but most of all HE. IS. AN. ARTIST.

I never click the links on Twitter when artists/celebrities/stars go live on Ustream. But this time, after reading a few comments of other tweeters, I jumped on the bandwagon. And I'm glad I did.

He talks about his inspirations, his creative process, and what's coming next:

Embarrassing Confession: As I watched this, tears began to form. That's when I really realized how much I admire this man's work.