a boring recap of my life in recent times.

The past few weeks have been extremely hectic, but good at the same time. I have yet to take down my Christmas tree. Do not judge.

one:

I left one of my jobs and got a new one, so for two weeks I worked three jobs. Plus school. Plus sorority. Plus rehearsal.

two.

Speaking of rehearsal, I am doing Vagina Monologues in February! It's exciting, though there are some things a bit unnerving that I couldn't put my finger on until reading another woman-of-color's blog post about being in the Monologues. So many thoughts on race and empowe

rment and feminism running through my mind right now.

three.

I got a sew-in. A weave. Extensions. Whatever you want to call it, I got it. It's extra long and I feel really DIVA in it. The thing is, this is my first one, and I wassuper nervous about it. I'm not that kind of girl. I kept my hair the same most from middle school until I graduated college (with the exception of braids here and there.) The past year has brought some changes. I cut it last October or November, got kinky twists and stopped relaxing in July and now I have a weave. Super long. I love it. I think I might blog about my thoughts on hair another time. It's full of politics, and morals and feelings and stereotypes for Black women, at least.

four.

I've been eating crazy. And not that I want to diet (another post), but I do feel a lot better when I'm feeding myself things that aren't processed too much, full of salt or something like that. With that, I finally bought a few groceries. Because eating out these past weeks has been expensive and kind of icky feeling, even when I wasn't (which was most times) choosing fast food.

five.

I took an out-of-towner on a Detroit adventure. Finally. Love.

six.

Speaking of adventures, I got a new camera, but I fail at taking pictures while I'm out. I want to post more pics on this blog, so I need to get to it.

IRL || ranty mcrant-rant on online dating.

Whenever the topic of dating and/or relationships comes up, there's this hidden thing about using online dating sites -- that there's something inherently wrong with doing it. I've sat in on conversations where friends (those who are usually in relationships or something close to it) tell other friends to STOP considering even making a profile on one of these dating sites. I guess people look at it as a sign of desperation or failure or something like that.

I'll let you in on a secret: I've made profiles and/or talked to and even gone out with people from online dating sites. I want to date and if my circles don't include men (which often times they don't), and none of my friends can or want to introduce me to their male friends, and when I go out I'm only talked to to let guys know who my friend is, or I'm just not the type of woman the people I meet even care to ask out, WHERE THE HELL DO I FIND A DATE?

I don't think it's desperation or a bad look. I don't beg men in real life to date me, nor do I beg people online to. Most people get ignored, laughed at, or put in their place and guys still have to meet my criteria or a date is a no-go. Hell, an email address is a no-go.

I've known people who have met dates and even life partners from FACEBOOK, so how is online dating so different?

Anyway, that's my opinion. Judge all you want. Comment if you'd like.

UPDATE || the past is also a present.

I took the time to read posts from one of my old blogs (does anybody remember Xanga?) and it's amazing to see how much of changed. It's also interesting to see how much has not changed. When I looked at the blog, I really enjoyed the style in which it was written: candid, a bit poetic, and straight from the heart. I guess I didn't think about what I was writing the way I do now. I feel like this blogging is a bit more deliberate or calculated as opposed to the blog posts of my younger self.

One thing I'm thinking about doing is sharing some of those older posts here at . . . and i drink cups of tea. I think that will lend me a bit of inspiration and allow you to see a bit of me a little bit more.

Finally, I think I'm going to start back with my list-making. It's a good way to cover a bunch of topics or feelings or just update what's happening in my life in a short period. If you're reading this, let me know what you think.

Oh, and the above picture is of me in kinky twist. LOVE them.

IRL || i'm alive!

Hey everyone. I know there hasn't been a new post in a long time. I'm sorry. New posts are coming and I will be back on track. There are lots of things to think and write about and new posts are in the works.

Lots of love until next time,

a.renae

LIFE || inspiration to live life to the fullest

[i'm inspired by] cute chubby girls. pretty fat girls. girls with style. girls who don't let size define them. girls who go out and do. girls who wear bright colors because they refuse to hide. girls who wear black because it's chic, not because it's slimming. girls who know fat does not equal ugly. or dumb. girls like [my]self. and sometimes, girls [i] wish [i] could be.

-- revised facebook status from two days ago

I had a long post about body acceptance that was going to go here, but I scratched it. I'd been bogged down with lots of body hate coming from everywhere, from the media to myself. Then I just started typing. The status speaks for itself. Being comfortable in your skin takes time and you have to do it over and over again. It helps if you have inspiration. And this is dedicated to my friends and family of all sizes who live life to the fullest, not obsessed with numbers on a tag or a scale. To those who know that life won't start when they gain 10 pounds or lose 50. That even if they aren't all the way pleased with health or size, they work on it, but still live! They're not afraid to be silly, to be fly, to dress up, to dance, to travel, to shop, to throw out clothes that don't fit, to flirt, to eat, even. Those that have major sex appeal or just those that feel sexy.

I am working to get that way everyday.

I'm pretty sure more will come in the future.

*photo of model Tara Lynn in French Elle Magazine

IRL || so far.

Ok, so this is a personal rant and really not like any of the content here on . . . and i drink cups of tea. I know, there's not really one big connective theme here, but that's beside the point. The point is I am personally. . . annoyed by a lot lately.

I'm not sure if it's because I am really bad at keeping in touch with people, which stems from my shyness and my fear of being a really annoying/needy friend, or if I'm just growing away or apart from people, but I feel super distant from people I love a lot. Social networking, chat, or all the things that are supposed to be making the world closer whatever isn't making that distance closer. I'm just far.

I've been taking this as a sign to make new friends and/or focus on myself, but I like the people I feel distanced from so I'm not a fan of this phase. I also don't want to bother folk who may not want to deal with me for a while. So I don't really know.

How do you all deal with this feeling, if you ever have it?

IRL || hi y'all!

Just wanted to say that I'm officially done with my second year of grad school. This past semester was tough. Winter semesters are not my favorite. On a good note, I'm free. And will have more time to blog here and there.

Also, if any one knows of a job I should apply for for the summer, please let me know? Ok? Thanks.

"Peace and much love to ya!"

LIFE || finding my sexy.

I wrote about two years ago, reposted it elsewhere last year, and in light of recent events, I feel I want to share it again. So here goes:

sometimes i don't think it is in me to be sexy. but i want to find it.
i want to walk around and exude sensuality. always.
jill scott is the perfect example. . . her walk, her voice, her smile. . .
she=sensuality and sexiness. . . and u don't need to hear her songs to see that...

i want that to be me. . .
i want there to be a little spark that ppl can't put thier fingers on
but they know it's there. that sensuality...

my sister has it. even my mom.
coy. knowing it's there but actually not knowing. . .
never too overt

me. i want to find my sexy.
my sensuality. move in it and groove in it.

me.

how do i get that? that magnetism. it comes so naturally for some people.

LIFE || the twenty-fifth year.

Today I am twenty-five.
I am standing in it, ready to take on a new year, a new challenge.
I'm ready to mature, to have fun, to learn and to grow.
I'm just excited to see what will be.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Today's been pretty bad, disappointing, sad. I sometimes feel alone, and I'm thankful I have people who stick with me when those feelings come and when they go. They don't leave me when I'm down. They deserve the me I love to be.

LIFE || list time.

one.
I have to get all my wisdom teeth pulled. Ow.

two.
I love how quiet the snow is. And how pretty it glistens. I hate that I have to drive in it/ trek though it for class and work. Ugh.

three.
I really want to go out. Or somewhere. And party. I am bored sitting in this house lots of times. Give me ideas please! I'm in need of fun!

four.
I love people. I love so many people. This makes me happy. And I'm glad to talk to/get closer to people more and more. You always learn something new about the person sitting next to you.

five.
Still no B-day plans.

six.
Super excited about V-Day and cupcakes.

seven.
I wish we would get snow days at universities. Doesn't usually happen.

eight.
Fun.

nine.
Love.

ten.
I think I'm at the end of my list. Thanks for reading.

LOVE || coming soon.

Valentine's Day is coming.
I am excited because V-Day is my favorite holiday. That's weird because I never have a Valentine. And I love V-Day just the same.

I'm a sucker for love, I guess.

LIFE || you are only as old as you feel.

60 must be the new 40, because my mom doesn't look-act-walk-talk like someone much older than that. Some of us young'uns need to take note and get out of bed and have fun. There's more to life than just sitting around and complaining!

Happy birthday to my mother, a woman who:

• Never stops learning
• Never stops growing
• Takes risks and tries new things
• Is not afraid
• Loves with all her might
• Is always fabulous.
• Is a great motivator
• Is a wonderful mother!
• Is a great friend.
  
• Is my inspiration :)
  

I love you, Mommy!

IRL || happy founders' day!

So January is a heavy month for NPHC Founders' Days. I've been waiting patiently all week to celebrate my organization's day!

Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.
Happy 90th Founders' Day!
Ee-I-Kee!

IRL || things that made me happy this week. with exposition.

It's the time where all of the final projects are due. I've been holed up in my room or the library or some computer lab every spare minute I've been getting. Kind of. Anyway, the fast-approaching finals can be cause for sadness at times, and certainly stress. Luckily, I've been afforded a few smiles here and there:

one:
I got paid.
Therefore I bought new earrings and some warm boots.
The earrings have Africa cut outs. Really cute.

two.
I got told "I like your look."
It's nice to get complimented on your style. I've been doing new things with how I've been dressing.

three.
I saw my sorors.
They're cool. I love them. Lots of hugs were involved.

four.
Work hasn't been super boring.
That's good, right?

five.
I get to chat and talk and now, tweet with someone special when I get breaks and/or bored.
And so I get laughs and warm-fuzzies from far away.

six.
I chatted with my sands for sands chat.
It's always lovely.

seven.
I'm busy.
And even though it's a little stressful, life is still good, in general. And I can focus. Mostly. Heh.

IRL || finally.

I am nearing the end of my 3rd semester in grad school and I must say, that this semester has been the most intense semester I've ever had in my entire educational career. I've been a researching, costuming, surveying, business planning, adapting and directing madwoman.
It will not end until the 17th.

I'm glad I have supportive and understanding people in my corner because I cannot stop until the last project is done. I'm also thankful for the emotional stability I've had lately in my life. I'm so thankful for where I am right now.

IRL || how it feels to be fat me. . .

The answer to much this Thanksgiving holiday:

"Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company?
It's beyond me."

- Zora Neale Hurston
from "How It Feels to be Colored Me"

UPDATE || on the topic of being thankful:

I am thankful that I was able to be a part of Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit. I was a singer and my life was greatly enriched by being a part of this organization. I knew once I graduated from the program, I wanted my career to be in the arts.

Take time to vote so that they can have more funding to continue to allow young people express themselves and get quality training in the performing arts! (You have to fan Chase Community Giving in order to vote.)

LIFE || thankful.

It's a good thing to reflect and see how many reasons there are to be thankful. I've been doing that a lot lately. Maybe because it's because of the approaching holiday season or maybe it's something else--I don't really know. What I do know is I have lots of reasons to be thankful right now, at this time in my life.

• I am thankful that I am here at this time. I feel like this is a time for me to learn and grow.
• I am thankful for a wonderful family.
• I am thankful for a mother who raised us, kept us safe, taught us well, covered us with love, made us her priorities, and even spoiled us a bit.
• I am thankful for my friends, near and far, who still talk to me even with my problems and lapses in communication.
• I'm thankful for my sisters. We're growing closer everyday and I love it.

• I'm thankful that I have my own place and can get the things I need.
• I'm thankful to be able to be an artist.
• I'm thankful that I had an opportunity to go to college and grad school.

• I am thankful that there is love, of all kinds, in my life.
  
• I am thankful that I am not where I was emotionally or mentally six months ago.
• I am thankful that I started caring about me.
• I am thankful for the tough lessons. They are not always pretty or packaged neatly, but at least I'm learning.
  
• I am thankful for realization. When you open your eyes you can't close them to hide mess anymore.
  

LOVE || love and fighting the funk

I feel like I talk about love all the time. I definitely think about it all the time. I think it's mostly because I feel love a lot lately. Or at least I've been taking the time to process how love manifests itself in my life. I've become more aware of what love means to me in the scheme of things. And I'm not talking about romance here, though that is something nice to have. But I'm exploring love again, from the love I feel for myself and my continuous amazement of the things I can do when I take a little time and use a bit of effort, to the love I feel when I step into a room full of friends I've not seen in a while.

I have this complex, I guess, where I love to be alone. I love living by myself and having my own space. I like being comfortable there. But there comes a time where I get a bit down and I feel that no one really realizes I'm here. And there lies the problem. But there is also a solution: Finding ways to surround myself with people I love and who love me back. I spent time with sorors on Thursday. I had lunch and shopping time with my sister on Friday. I spent the entire morning with my mother. I had to put it back that people really do care.

And this is where the love comes in. When I'm feeling down and lonely, the fact that I can even call these people up and I get a 'yes' with no hesitation says something. Something like: I am loved.

I'm fighting the funk.
It's hard, but it's not that hard.