dream big?

This picture makes me sad.  Poor little rhino doesn't realize
unicorns are mythical creatures.  

I walked in on the last (very last) few minutes of Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss Edition.   I tend to stay away from weight loss porn for various reasons (the why may be discussed in a future post.)

So back to the story,  I walked in on the tail-end of the weight-loss show.  I'm sure there were tears and frustration and lots of inspiration before she was able to reveal herself to a "concerned" body of family and friends.  That's not what prompted me to write this.  What prompted me was when she proceeded to talk about her pride in accomplishing such a feat and that her "dreams had come true."

Weight loss is hard. Fitness isn't easy. I am not dismissing that and I feel that it totally natural to be proud of changing eating habits, or pushing through a particularly challenging workout, or fitting clothes you couldn't before.  (There's more on that as well, but that's not it either).

My issue is that ultimately her "dreams had come true." Dreams.  Plural. 

I already find it problematic to have one dream of being thin(ner), but that's the nature of the society we live in.  But if all your dreams revolve around weight loss, I'm just. . . worried.  

When I was a kid, I dreamt of many things.  I wanted to be a business woman like in Big Business, I dreamt of having a family, I dreamt of being asked out on dates . . .  And really, none of those things depend on size.   And it made me sad that apparently she thinks that it's all going to be rosey because she's smaller.    And most, if not all, of us have been sold on that "dream" - That everything will begin to work because we've reached some goal weight or size.  Life will inherently be better because we've left some fat behind. 

I mean people might be nicer.  Maybe.  

You may get hit on more. Maybe. 

But being thinner won't free up my money cuz I'll still have student loans; it won't make me a better artist if I don't practice; it won't bring me success unless I work at my dreams. 

We put so much faith in our bodies and how they look.  We put so much faith in becoming "aesthetically pleasing" to a certain population.  We put so much faith in creating a before and after picture so we can be praised. 

 It's time we put some faith in ourselves.  It's ok to dream big. 

LIFE || little brown girls: [y]our hair is beautiful. it's GOOD.

I am posting this everywhere, so if you've seen it other places from me. . . well, I don't apologize. This video made me smile:

I spent my whole life watching TV where the little brown girls (daughters) had to have long curls or straight hair (they were also usually very, very light-skinned no matter what the parents or brothers looked like). I like that the puppet's main look is a tightly coiled mop that doesn't blow in the wind. Now that I'm starting to discover my hair all over again, it's really speaking to me as well.

FLASHBACK || a time to shine.

As I said in a previous post, I'd been reading through my old blog I kept on Xanga and that I'd share some posts (via FLASHBACKs) that I wrote over there. These are a bit more personal than what's been on . . . and i drink cups of tea lately. Even though I'm in a totally different place than I was when I wrote these posts two or three years ago, some of the feelings I still have and/or struggle with. Like this one:

every woman has the right to feel beautiful.

i used to think that every girl would have a time to shine. the right to be adored, fawned over, cherished, and courted.
i still try to hold out for that: my time to shine.
but every day for twenty-two years i wake up: still with a sparkle in my eye, a glimmer in my mind, and a glint in my soul -- but never shining. i wake up matte. the same as the day before and the day before that.

and what hurts most are my loved ones who are waiting to shine as well. who have thier light stolen or stuck in the shadows or someone else's glimmer is just that bit brighter. and they hurt. for they genuinely want a light shined on them, while others were able to be born into the limelight.

i want to shine. i wait (im)patiently for the day when i will be the girl in the room who shines. the unconventional, unsafe, sometimes unaccepted one, lost in the shadows. i will come out and shine. as myself. no one else.

sometimes i don't believe it. and waking up everyday is harder and harder to do. i want something, no, i feel i need something--that flicker, that gleam.

Still haven't really gotten that spotlight, may never have it. I'll probably not be the girl juggling three suitors and avoiding three more. I am a lot more content with the fact that I'm not outrageously gorgeous and I don't have that aura that just draws men to me like moths to light. I can't say that, sometimes, it's not discouraging to look in the mirror and see one thing that never really gets seen beyond that. But, I'm learning to be happy with myself. I'm also learning how to get beyond my extreme shyness. And whether or not having self-confidence brings more flirty-times/dates/phone number/ phone calls, I'm liking this feeling of liking myself.

But then there's still a tiny part of me that would like to be "That Girl." Even for a short time. But it's tiny.

IRL || hair today, gone tomorrow.

I've always been wowed by those who liken "the big chop" to something freeing, something spiritual. I can understand it now.

For me, though my hair has only been short for four days, it is something that is freeing. Now, I didn't go natural, so I am still very much a slave to the flat iron and other straightening agents, so I can't comment on how it feels to be able to enjoy hair as natural as it can be. But, this chop has enabled me to really confront my ideas of beauty, especially for myself.

I've always wanted to cut my hair, but I always stayed in the "safe range": There would always be hair on my neck and always some length on the sides, because I felt it was flattering. Fat girls look better with long hair? Right? Do guys like short hair? Would it look ok in pictures? What would my grandma think? Now, come on, black people value length. Most times I hear, "Oh she can pull off that short hair, but most people couldn't" or something like that. The same goes with natural styles.

I knew that hair was just hair. I decided that I'd go on with it and if it looked awful, I'd wear a hat or get a weave or something. Oh my, that did not need to cross my mind because it is fabulous.

When my chair was turned around to face the mirror, the first question I asked was "Why hadn't I gone short a long time ago?"

LIFE || talkin' 'bout good and bad hair. . .

I've been trying to get this or something like it out for days:

I've given into the myth that straightening my hair makes it more "manageable". Reality: When I wore my hair natural, it took about as much time or less to make it cute as it does with this relaxer. I've been guilty of wanting my hair bone straight, and have endured the burn of the relaxer to get it so. (It's funny now, because I'd prefer my straightened hair, now, to have some 'kink' in it) And ultimately, the time when I had the most "gorgeous hair" was the time I did not use chemicals on it.

I wouldn't call myself a slave to my hair. I don't judge other people (or their worth, or their blackness) by how kinky or straight thier hair is. I've worn my hair naturally and loved it, and worn it relaxed and loved it. But the point of all of this is that I watched Tyra a few days ago and was so saddened by the self-hate black women still have. If it's not about skintones, it's about hair texture.

When women will refuse to date men of thier own heritage in fear of having a child with "bad hair", there's still a problem. When a little girl wants to wear only the straight "Hannah Montana" wig, instead of her cute little kinky ponytails and barretts, my little heart aches. There was a mother who permed (relaxed) her little girl's hair at three years old and another mother who avoided introducing her daughter with a natural haircut out of embarrassement that her hair was no longer straight.

What is up? I mean I know what is up. In America, beauty is anything that is close to whiteness: light skin, straight hair, svelte figure, slight features. I know that. It has been this way forever: good hair, bad hair, black women being afraid of the sun (and not for health reasons), brown paper bag tests.

It sucks that beauty comes in so many different packages, but we're too busy being blinded by the wavy texture of someone's hair, than to look at the real beauty that lies in the dark face staring us in the mirror.

It's so sad that this thing is REAL. That girls are still being brought up to find themselves ugly because their hair kinks up when wet instead of curls or waves; That they are dark chocolate instead of caramel. Most, if not all people want to feel attractive; little girls, big girls, grown girls want to feel pretty. It's so hard when everyone is telling you you're not.

This is so just the tip of the iceberg of my rambling thoughts. Please share any of yours. . . Need inspiration: The classic good hair/bad hair, light-skinned/dark-skinned battle from Spike Lee's classic joint: School Daze.





In the words of Dap: We need to "WAKE UP!"