get up, get out, & do something OR how not to be a clod OR becoming a FORCE

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.  - George Bernard Shaw 

The reason why I created my personal growth challenge, besides trying to rekindle all of the things that inspired me before, was to stop complaining.  Or at least get to the root of my complaining.

I'll admit:  I am not always happy with where I am in life right now.  But I was finding that my unhappiness was becoming a constant stream of complaints -- everything was going wrong.  An worse than that, I wasn't doing anything to help move me from this state of dissatisfaction. So yeah,  I am was one of those.

Here's the problem with complaining -- the more you do it the worse things become and the worse things become, the more you do it.  Frankly, you get STUCK.  You can't do anything to move forward because you know that whatever you do won't work  - you don't have time; you don't have the drive;you don't have the will anymore OR you don't have the funds; you don't have the support; you don't have the LUCK that someone else has/had.  Or you replace the don't's with if's.

Either way, stuff starts happening TO you instead of YOU making things happen.  You feel like it's you against the world, the universe, God.

So, as I was reading the Purpose-Driven Life earlier this year, and came across the above quote --- I was pretty much was called out by Mr. Shaw.  I realized that at that point, I had, indeed, become a "feverish, selfish, little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world would not devote itself to making [me] happy."

Nothing was really my fault:  I could do this but I don't have [time/money/resources].  I was constantly being acted upon, I was not acting.  I was not a force of nature.

Truth be told, I still am not a "force of nature." I haven't moved anything yet.  I'm pushing a bit more than I have. I've  I am still trying to figure out the purpose that I'm working toward that I will see as a mighty one.   Clearly, that's why I'm blogging here, getting back in touch with my life and needs and passions.   I don't have answers.  Just working through the questions one sentence at a time.

I know one thing, though-- being called a feverish, selfish clod?  I ain't here for it.  Being a FORCE, however?  I dig it.

What about you?
Do you feel like a "force of nature?"  What are you doing to become a force?  Have you figured your purpose?

dream big?

This picture makes me sad.  Poor little rhino doesn't realize
unicorns are mythical creatures.  

I walked in on the last (very last) few minutes of Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss Edition.   I tend to stay away from weight loss porn for various reasons (the why may be discussed in a future post.)

So back to the story,  I walked in on the tail-end of the weight-loss show.  I'm sure there were tears and frustration and lots of inspiration before she was able to reveal herself to a "concerned" body of family and friends.  That's not what prompted me to write this.  What prompted me was when she proceeded to talk about her pride in accomplishing such a feat and that her "dreams had come true."

Weight loss is hard. Fitness isn't easy. I am not dismissing that and I feel that it totally natural to be proud of changing eating habits, or pushing through a particularly challenging workout, or fitting clothes you couldn't before.  (There's more on that as well, but that's not it either).

My issue is that ultimately her "dreams had come true." Dreams.  Plural. 

I already find it problematic to have one dream of being thin(ner), but that's the nature of the society we live in.  But if all your dreams revolve around weight loss, I'm just. . . worried.  

When I was a kid, I dreamt of many things.  I wanted to be a business woman like in Big Business, I dreamt of having a family, I dreamt of being asked out on dates . . .  And really, none of those things depend on size.   And it made me sad that apparently she thinks that it's all going to be rosey because she's smaller.    And most, if not all, of us have been sold on that "dream" - That everything will begin to work because we've reached some goal weight or size.  Life will inherently be better because we've left some fat behind. 

I mean people might be nicer.  Maybe.  

You may get hit on more. Maybe. 

But being thinner won't free up my money cuz I'll still have student loans; it won't make me a better artist if I don't practice; it won't bring me success unless I work at my dreams. 

We put so much faith in our bodies and how they look.  We put so much faith in becoming "aesthetically pleasing" to a certain population.  We put so much faith in creating a before and after picture so we can be praised. 

 It's time we put some faith in ourselves.  It's ok to dream big. 

do something you've never done: june personal growth challenge

I've been stuck.  

In a rut.  

I'm still there, I'm sure. 

However, I don't want to stay here.  I don't want to be here. 

See, I've been having a hard time finding my passion, latching on to my happiness.  At one point, I think I'd forgotten my dreams.   

After numerous conversations, lots of introspection and a multitude of tears, I have decided to jump back in to those things that made me happy - 

1. Blogging

2. Theatre

3. Fashion

4. Size Acceptance

5. Yoga

Obviously, I'm beginning with blogging.  I'll be documenting my progress here - sharing successes and failures.   I'm excited and scared.  However, one thing I know - to get something different, one must DO something different.  I've got to move.

I want to be able to say I love my life.  I haven't been able to say that in a while.   So here's where I do something.  Here's where I move forward. 

Let's go.  

homecoming.

Argh!

I've been having a hard time figuring out my home, per se, online.  I have this blog (which has been terribly neglected), and then my other one (which I thought was going to be my foray into lifestyle blogging.)  Unfortunately I've just been crazy mixed up over the two.

I am not going to get into a long story here, but I'll say --- I think . . . and i drink cups of tea is where I should be.  Where I should stay.

As I keep saying each time I return, I don't know what shape this blog will take, or if it will even have a defined form ever. I just know that I have a lot on my mind, a lot to work through, and a lot I want to share.  And that's good, right?

So, yeah. I'm back.  For real this time. Look for posts from the queen of her now late-twenties crisis.  It's going to be a fun ride!

Woot!

- a.renae

Also you can follow me on twitter  and instagram at @loventea!

I need your help!

I'm directing a production of the Vagina Monologues and the proceeds benefit the Stanford Houses Women's Shelter/ Safe Health and Wellness Transitional Housing.  I want to fill up the auditorium.  I also want to make sure that we've done our part to help end violence against women.

If you're in the area, consider buying a ticket and seeing the show.  It's going to be great!  If not, consider donating to the cause.  You can do both here.

Thank you!

in memoriam. (link)

I know I've still not blogged in a while. I'm still figuring which direction I'm taking and I'm also in the midst of moving back to Detroit! However, I read this piece on LadyQSings that really touched me.

I've written about my dad here before. He died when I was six so I never really got to know him very well. I didn't grow up with him around, but I knew that if he were still alive he'd be there with me. About him/us, she writes:

You were a SILENT WARRIOR, and far as I'm concerned that's the best kind to have on your team. I look at your daughters today, and I see pieces of you. I see parts of you that they'll never know. And that makes me sad.

Read more about him, and two other people who have also helped mold me into who I am (yes, the blogger is my cousin and knows most of my life.) Link below.

In Memoriam

what i've done so far.

I guess I am not ready to give up . . . and i drink cups of tea just yet, so i gave it a make over to make it feel cleaner. There are a few more things I want to tweak, but right now I am happy with how it's turned out. More to come, for sure.